


A Necromancer Walks Into A Hardware Store...

by Normal_Ghost



Category: Llanolyn, Pathfinder (Roleplaying Game), Rick and Morty
Genre: Comedy, Explicit Language, Gen, Pathfinder - Freeform, Random & Short, Random Encounters, situational comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7988470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Normal_Ghost/pseuds/Normal_Ghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johannes Metzger just wanted to get a few supplies for his laboratory, but it looks like another eccentric scientist is in need of the same part...</p><p>Johannes Metzger is an RPG character of one of my friends from a Pathfinder Campaign set in Llanolyn. This story was requested by that same friend. Creative liberties have been taken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Necromancer Walks Into A Hardware Store...

_“Attention shoppers, attention shoppers, Jile’s Alchemical Warehouse will be closing in fifteen minutes”_

 

The staticy auditory projection spell rang out over the giant enclosed marketplace. During peak times, the warehouse was packed to the brim with scientists, alchemists, engineers and researchers from all over Llanolyn trying to find specialized scientific gadgets and chemicals, but near closing at midnight there were only a few left in the store.

Among these shoppers was Johannes Metzger, a (previously) Osdrin scientist with a terrible habit of exclusively researching in necromancy. His gigantic brown leather coat draped over his massive frame, the upturned collar hiding most of his face, but leaving his wide, deranged looking eyes to peek over the top. Though he wasn’t yet the Lich that he was destined to become, he was definitely not a person that you’d want to mess with. Today, he was here to buy a wrench.

Johannes pushed his squeaky wheeled cart down the final aisle, looking over the stained, scribbled list in his hand. Every so often, his eyes darted from the list to the shelves, looking for the specialized replacement wrench that he had come to this store for.

Aha! At last, he saw the basket at the end of the aisle. He quickened his pace and grabbed what he came for. What luck- he had managed to take the last one. As Johannes was about to drop it into his cart, he heard the short but deliberate sound of someone clearing their throat to get his attention. Johannes looked up to see a wiry scientist standing at the end of his cart.

“Hey, sorry buddy but I’m _really_ gonna need that wrench” the other scientist practically belched out while holding his hand expectedly at Johannes.

“Excuse me?” Johannes asked somewhat indignantly in his thick, Osdrin accent, “Zis wrench? You mean the one I have just taken and put into my possession?”

“Look Nosferatu, I’m kinda in a hurry here. I made a special trip all the way out to thi-iiiii-s knock-off Tolkien dimension because this is the only store that has them, and I haven’t figured out how to make it myself.”

“Well, I need zis wrench, and I don’t feel like giving it to someone who looks like zhey mixed two pre-made stat potions together and called zhemselves an alchemist,” Johannes said as he set down the wrench and started to push his cart away. The man suddenly jumped in front of the cart, grabbed the front, and leaned into Johannes.

“Look shithead, do you know who I am? I’m Rick f****ing Sanchez. I’ve built devices more technologically advanced than your whole f****ing society, high off my ass on drugs you’ve never even _seen_. You know what? I pity you and your f****ing dimension for basing their entire energy system on glowing, explosive, purple rocks.”

“I don’t want your pity, I want your absence,” Johannes said dryly, then started to push his cart again. Rick sighed and then pulled out some sort of mechanical weapon.

“Look man, I really didn’t want to do this since I’m not wanted in this dimension yet, but I’m going to need you to hand me that wrench, or else they’re going to be picking bits of your balls off the light switches for the rest of the night,” Rick coldly threatened, pointing the weapon directly at Johannes’ face. Johannes stared at it quietly, then slowly began to laugh.  
“Do I know who _you_ are? Do you have any idea who _I am_? I am ze butcher of Lehrbun! I’m wanted in over 80% of all Llanolyn, I reanimated one of zis continent’s greatest heroes and use him as a caddy--I’m ze monster that Osdrin parents tell zheir children at night, and you want me to tremble before a delusional human and his homemade pistol?”

“Buddy, no offense but I think even my grandson could take you and your knock-off German accent,” Rick said, unimpressed.

“Yeah, and zis cart could probably take you and your drunken ass if the wind pushed it into you in ze parking lot,” Johannes said equally unimpressed, but significantly more annoyed as he tried to push it past Rick.

“No no I’m serious hotshot,” Rick replied, looking around for his grandson, “Morty! Hey Morty get over here!” Johannes stopped his cart and sighed as a scrawny teenager ran over to the group.

“Hey, d-did you find the wrench Rick?” Morty asked expectantly.

“Yeah Morty but I also found the Neighborhood Watch guy that needs to be put back in his place,” Rick said said flippantly, “M- _eee_ -Morty I’m gonna need you to shoot him in the dick.”

“What?! Aw jeez Rick we don’t need to start anything, let’s just grab the wrench and go-” Morty pleaded.

“Morty, Morty you don’t understand he has the only wrench left in the store, and he called me an alchemist; what do I look like, some sort of dark-ages idiot that thinks he can mix together some pig shit and copper and come up with gold? Gold is a basic element Morty, it can’t be synthesized except on the elemental level. You gotta shoot him and his stupid haircut out of the store.”

“You don’t know anything about alchemy, do you?” Johannes asked, unimpressed.

“Rick why do you always have to pick a fight with the scariest looking person wherever we go?” Morty asked dejectedly, taking the gun but not aiming it at Johannes.

“Honestly Morty that statement doesn’t mean a whole lot in this store, I mean, I think I saw a horse wearing a sweater walking out of here when we came out of here. Not even an anthropomorphic horse, but just a regular horse wearing a knitted sweater. And-BWUP-and what the hell is that person over there? Is that just a rat person dressed up like an old-timey professor? Did I miss the memo about the furry convention happening in this hardware store?”

“Listen here asshole,” Johannes angrily blurted out while taking out a lit, homemade bomb, his thumb pressing against the long fuse, “I don’t care about you, your grandson, dimensions, or any of this other stupid shit, I just came here to get a few supplies, and so I’ll be paying for zhem at _zhat_ register, and you two are going to wait here and never speak to me again, understand? If you even think of aiming zhat gun at me, I’ll toss this bad boy and it’ll take you two out, along with a quarter of this store, verstehen?”

“Aw jeez-” Morty muttered, despondent.

“Nice thinking, idiot, but what’s to stop me from trying to shoot you before you get out of the range of your own bomb, huh? You gonna take yourself out just to try and get the last wrench?” Rick challenged.

“You underestimate me, Rick. Waiting just outside the store is my faithful assistant, Banwse. We specialize in the undead, you see, and any damage that the bomb would do to my body wouldn’t be permanent- isn’t that right Banwse?” Johannes called out.

“Fuck you Johannes” Banwse yelled back, a bit muffled by the distance.

“What if I just shoot your f****ing friend in the skull before you throw the bomb, huh? Who’s going to stick you back together then, Humpty Dumpy?” Rick taunted back, waving a second gun.

“Wait! Whoa whoa whoa let’s all just calm down for a second!” Morty interjected, “Let’s just put away the guns, defuse the bomb, and me and Rick will just come by tomorrow-”

“I- _iiii_ -t’s not about the wrench anymore Morty, we gotta teach this guy a lesson about what it means to cross me-” Rick started, before he was interrupted by a very large man running towards the group.

“Dad! Dad I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” the man called out. As he got closer, it seemed fairly obvious that he wasn’t really human, and looked closer to a zombie-like patchwork of various different people.

“Alright now who’s this asshole?” Rick asked in a frustrated and confused tone.

“Zis is, one of my creations...” Johannes replied, somewhat embarrassed of the large man beside him.

“Oh Dad! What are you doing all the way over here? We agreed that you would get the first two items, Artov would get the next two, Dilly would get the two after that, and I would get the last one!” the man listed excitedly.

“Ah. Yes. Zat is correct, David. I must have gotten a little caught up once I started shopping” Johannes began to admit, looking at the large number of items in his cart, and pulling off the short fuse left on his bomb. David began pulling items out of Johannes’ cart and putting them under his arm to put away, then paused when he got to the wrench.

“Johannes _I_ already got the ultra-speculatory wrench! That was my only item you goof!” David teased as he threw the item back into the bin on the shelf and pulled his own out of his basket. Rick and Morty still stood frozen in their previous positions, Rick pointing a gun near the entrance of the store and holding a gun in front of him on its side.

“Haha, yes David. How silly of me,” Johannes said sheepishly.

“Well c’mon, let’s go! The store’s about to close and we gotta get back home before the roads clog up again!” David urged excitedly, pushing Johannes and the cart towards the front of the store.

Rick and Morty stood there motionless for a few more moments, then Rick put his gun away and pulled out his flask, followed by Morty letting out a huge sigh. After a large swig, Rick returned the flask to his pocket and picked the wrench out of the bin.

“You know, I like that guy. Remind me to look him up after we finish adding the shmarbop tanks to the garage,” Rick said dryly as he walked towards the check-out line. Morty sighed, exasperated, and set the gun on the shelf before following his grandfather out.


End file.
